So just in case the reader didn’t get it, what i established in my previous post is that my future will now be very different, because nothing i’ve done heretofore has constituted true degradation.   It was not true degradation, by virtue of the fact that i was permitted the honor of worshipping my Mistress, so degradation was an honor in itself.   The analogy i used is that i climbed the ladder of being permitted to worship my Mistress.   my degradation just hindered my ascent.   But in the end, degradation finally won out, so i’m back to being at ground level.   i’m back to being the jerk-off i was always meant to be.   Still, though, i haven’t been degraded.   i’m just back to where i started from.

But yet, i’ve been so well trained for degradation.   That’s all i’ve come to know.   So must i not pursue this path further?   Is there anything else i could possibly do?   Do i not need to see where it takes me?   Is that the reason i have to go?

But that’s not all that there’s really to it.   i believe there’s a real meaning to it all.   i believe this is my inevitable destiny, but for more reasons than i’ve elucidated so far.   So now let me continue:

i now approach my future, trying to determine what is to be my plight.   But i have a lot of confidence that where i’m going is what’s really right.   i believe that by acknowledging my Superiors, by acknowledging my inferiority, i’ll find a new contentment, that up to now has eluded me.   Without shame i must declare, that i enjoy doing whatever They say – that serving Them is what i was meant for, that i’m to be used however They may.   On my knees before Them, giving pleasure however They demand, i’ll be eager to obey every one of Their stern commands.   i’ll be proud to show Them my erection – honored that They can fully see, how much i appreciate the prospect of worshipping Their Masculinity.   i’ll be eager to receive Their correction, when i’ve done something to displease, waiting for it patiently, bowing on hands and knees.   i’ll be proud to call Them “Master” – for Them to call me “slave” – to be at Their total disposal – to try to never misbehave.   So this is what i must now do.   i know it’s where i belong.   i know i will come to enjoy it.   i know it can’t be wrong.

The interesting thing is that my whole life, until very recently, i could not really understand what there is about a Man that a Woman could possibly be physically attracted to.   i mean on an intellectual level, i knew what Women were supposed to be attracted to a Man’s rugged features; His musculature; His strength; the exhilarating threat of His aggressiveness.   But in reality, Men always struck me as messy, hairy, sloppy, smelly, filthy creatures.   i couldn’t even imagine what it was like to actually be attracted to a Man.   i always thought of Men, in a sexual context, as completely repulsive.   The thought of having any kind of sexual contact with a Male would make my skin crawl.   The thought of sucking a Man’s cock would make me wretch.   The thought of licking His asshole was more than i could bear to think about.   The thought of licking a Man’s feet was more disgusting to me than anything else in the whole world.

Additionally, i sometimes used to try to truly understand how a Woman could find it such a traumatic experience to be raped.   i used to imagine my being raped by a really fat, ugly Woman.   While i might concede that it would be an unpleasant experience, i didn’t see that it would be such a traumatic experience that it would have a lasting effect upon the rest of my life.   However, one day i imagined being raped by some ugly, smelly, disgusting Man.   Only then was i able to understand what a traumatic experience it might be.  

But now, after coming to terms with what my future is to be, i truly can’t resurrect those feelings of repulsion, no matter how hard i try.   i have to honestly admit that now, when i think of a Man’s cock, i can only think of how delicious it will be to suck it.   When i think of licking His asshole, my only thought is of wondering how deep i can plunge my tongue inside.   When i think of licking His feet, i think that the dirtier and smellier they are, the more delicious they will be.   my physical repulsion to a Male has totally disappeared.   i have to admit that thinking about servicing a Man in any of these ways, now invariably gives me a raging hard-on!

i know that there are those among you who will claim that i am gay, or at least bisexual.   And i know that no matter how much i deny it, there are those who will continue to assert that i am still just not able to admit it, or that i’m still in denial, or whatever.   Nevertheless, i still steadfastly maintain that this is not the case.   In a way, i wish that i was gay.   It would make everything so simple.   I was never meant to appeal to Women because i was subconsciously always attracted to Men.   So after trying to pretend that i was straight for all of these years, i finally realized my attraction to Men, and can now pursue my true inclination.   i can now just indulge myself in enjoying the experience of being with a Man.

But unfortunately, this is just not the way it is.   When i just see a Woman, my very sole aches for Her.   my whole body – every ounce of my being – is consumed by lust for Her.   And if She is close, if i can smell Her sweet scent, if i can hear Her soft breath, it only escalates all of my feelings.   i want to touch Her, to hold Her, to kiss Her, to caress Her.   And i want Her to touch me back; to hold me, to kiss me, to caress me.   i want Her to want me.   i want Her to love me.   i want Her to want me to love Her back.   As much as i know it is no longer possible, i still can’t help but feel this way.   And the older i’ve gotten, the more true it’s become.   The more degraded i’ve become, the more true it’s become.   The less it matters how pretty She is, or how old She is, or even if She’s fat or skinny.   i fall in love with almost every Woman i see.  

But i have absolutely no comparable reaction to any Man i meet.   i see a Man, and i have no desire to hold Him, or touch Him, or caress Him.   i still find the thought of kissing a Man repulsive, even if not as much as i once did.   Similarly, i don’t want Him to hold me, or touch me, or to caress me.   i don’t have any feelings for Him, and i don’t want Him to have any feelings for me.   So i don’t see how i can call myself homosexual, or even bisexual.   i just don’t see a Man in that sexual way.

But yet, even as i sit here typing this, i have a throbbing erection, because i imagine how glorious it will be, to be naked, on my hands and knees, kneeling before a Man, and have His thick, throbbing, delicious, dripping cock in my mouth!   How glorious it will be to be on my hands and knees, kissing a Man’s delicious balls, the seat of His Masculinity, acknowledging what they contain that i lack.   How glorious it will be to be naked, kneeling behind a Man, kissing His delicious ass, lending credence to the classic metaphor of submission.   How glorious it will be to kneel behind Him, having my tongue deep inside His delicious asshole.   How glorious it will be to kneel before Him, having my tongue between His delicious, dirty toes.

But the joy comes from acknowledging my inferiority to Him.   The joy comes from acknowledging His Superiority over me.   He is the Superior Male who appeals to Women.   It’s not necessary that He be an “Alpha” Male who attracts every beautiful Women He meets.   If He can attract a single Woman, He s automatically Superior to me.   So i kiss His balls in admiration.   i kiss them because they’re superior to mine.   i grovel at His feet, kissing them, begging Him, imploring Him, to allow me the honor of sucking His cock.   It’s not because i’m attracted to Him.   It’s because it so clearly establishes my place relative to His.

It’s not just that i don’t appeal to Women.   It’s that most Men, at least to some extent, usually do.   That’s still more than i can say for myself, who appeals to no Woman.   So it’s not just that i’m inferior to all Women.   It’s that i’m also inferior to all the Men who appeal to Them.   So i can’t find the place i belong until i acknowledge this.   And my acknowledgement compels me to serve.   my admiration of Women obligates me to do this.   If i’m not willing to definitively demonstrate my proper status, my admiration of Women is a fraud.   my admiration of Women is meaningless, unless i can equally admire Those who appeal to Them, with absolutely no qualification.

So that’s why it will be an honor to kneel before a Man, naked, exposed, completely at His disposal.   That’s why it will be an honor to kiss His ass.   That’s why it will be an honor to have Him beat me when i’m delinquent.   That’s why it will be an honor to clean his toilet.   If i don’t hold Him in such high esteem, how can i claim to admire Women?   If i’m not willing to acknowledge His superiority, then how can i claim to admire Women?   He can do, regarding Women, what i cannot.   If i don’t recognize my nothingness compared to Him, how can i claim to admire Women?   If i don’t recognize His all-encompassing Superiority over me, how can i claim to admire Women?   So i bow before Him; i kneel before Him; i put myself at His complete disposal.   i’m honored to suck His cock; i’m honored to kiss His ass; i’m honored to lick His dirty feet; i’m honored to clean His toilet; i’m honored to be His toilet; i’m honored to be totally exploited by Him. He sexually appeals to Women.   He is my Superior.   i recognize it; i acknowledge it; i am in awe of it; i validate it with my submission.

So finally, finally, i know where i belong.   Where i belong is at His feet.   But i realize this won’t be easy.   It’s not like submitting to a Woman.   It’s different because He’s a Man.   It’s different because He’s not my lover.   It’s different because there’s no attraction between us.   So i’ll be there only to be used by Him, to be exploited however He wants.   There’ll be no mercy, because there’s no feelings.   i’ll be His slave and nothing more.

He will regard me with distain and contempt – the contempt i fairly deserve.   He’ll know i’m a wimp and a jerk-off, and He’ll not hesitate to treat me accordingly.   It will be different from what i’m used to, but i’ll just have to get used to it.   His assessment won’t be incorrect.   No matter what, He is my Superior, for He can do what i’m incapable of.   So whatever He thinks about me, is a truth i must learn to accept.   i will have to learn to accept and to love it.   And soon, i know i’ll need it to live.   i know i’ll need to have His cum in my belly.   i know i’ll need Him to color my ass red.   i know i’ll be proud to say i’m His cocksucker.   i know i’ll be proud of my hard cock when He calls me that.

i’m going to be a cocksucker!   What could be more wonderful than that?   Finally, i know what it is that i am.   Finally, i know where it is that i belong.   i now need a Man to make me into what i must be.   For a Man is not what i am.   What i am is a cocksucker.   There is nothing that could make me more proud!

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

So i have actively been seeking a Master to serve.   It’s proved to be a very frustrating experience.   So many in this lifestyle are totally off the wall, or uneducated, or in some instances, nearly functionally illiterate.   The question of safety and discretion looms large in pursuing this new quest.   So i am very nervous about embarking upon this new experience, and sometimes feel like i will end up lacking the courage to actually follow through.   But as time goes on, i realize more and more that this is truly my ultimate destiny.   i realize that i don’t really have any other choice.   This is what i was meant to be, and sooner or later, one way or another, it is going to happen.

But i’ve also had a new realization – a realization that makes it clear why i don’t really have any choice.   It’s funny how a concept will often float around the recesses of my mind, so that while i’m implicitly aware of it, it fails to crystallize into a conscious thought that can be explicitly articulated.   But then suddenly, out of nowhere, it suddenly comes into focus, and appears so obvious, that i’m left wondering why it wasn’t always immediately apparent.   So from the time of puberty, throughout my adult life, i’ve been humiliated and degraded in every way imaginable.   But yet, i’ve had this feeling that what i’m about to do is distinctly different, in some very fundamental way, from anything i’ve ever done before.   But why?   What makes it so different?   And if it’s really so different, is it a place that i should really go?   Is it a place i should want to go?   Is it a place i need to go?   But it’s just recently come into focus.   It’s now completely clear.   Now, i know the answer!   Now, there is no more doubt.   Let me explain:

i started out in life as a jerk-off; a male who lacked the innate, intrinsic Masculinity to sexually appeal to Females.   Yet, until recently, i spent all of my life futilely pursuing sexual relationships with Women.   From time to time, i actually managed to attain some degree of success, but ultimately, failure was inevitable.   Ultimately, my destiny lay elsewhere.

It’s like someone who loves music and dreams of being a musician.   They spend their life pursuing the goal.   They study music; practice hard; give a few recitals.   However, their reviews are invariably terrible.   So they continue in their pursuit for a while, but eventually they realize their dream was never meant to be.   Eventually, they realize that they lack the necessary talent, and that they must abandon their pursuit.   They eventually realize that whatever talent they possess, it must lie elsewhere.   So they reevaluate their abilities and their life, and they restructure their goals, appropriately.

And so it is with me.   All this time, i thought that it was meant for me to be with a Woman.   It quickly became clear to me that i wasn’t the type who could attract a Woman with my overwhelming virility.   But perhaps i could attract a Woman in other ways.   Perhaps i could attract Her with my strength of character, intelligence, and sensitivity.nbsp;  Perhaps i could attract Her with my devotion and loyalty.   So on that basis, i did manage to meet with limited success.   i managed to date some beautiful Women, and even to marry.   But deep inside, i always knew.   i always knew that it wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship – at least not with me in the conventional, dominant male role.   So deep inside, i always knew that the only role i could play in a Woman’s life was to be submissive to Her.   The only way i could be attract a Woman was to be available for Her to use as She wanted – to give Her anything and everything that She wanted.   The only thing about me that was attractive to a Woman was how She could use me.

So i always knew that this was to be my ultimate destiny.   i always knew that being a sex slave was what’s right for me.   But that was okay.   It was more than i had any right to expect.   If by serving a Woman, i could be attractive to Her; if that’s what it took, it was fine.   As long as i could serve Her, She would want me.   As long as i allowed myself to be used in any and every way She wished, i would be permitted the honor of worshipping Her.   And just to be permitted to worship Her was enough.   Worshipping Her was enough for me.   That was all that i really wanted.   That was all that i really needed.   Just to be allowed to Worship Her.   But ultimately, even this honor is one i wasn’t worthy of.

i started out in life as a jerk-off, lacking all sexual appeal to Women.   Nevertheless, through concerted perseverance, i managed to attain some level of success in being permitted to worship a few.   i even got to have intercourse with some Women.   i even managed to have One marry me.   However, as time passed by, it became more and more obvious how unsuited i was for even this role.   As time passed, in spite of my subservience, my sexual attractiveness continued to decline.   It’s now declined to the point where i’m no longer permitted any sexual contact with Women.   my sexual attractiveness is now totally nonexistent.   Moreover, i’ve now been declared sexually repulsive to Women.   But that’s just what a jerk-off should be.

So i’m finally the jerk-off that i was always meant to be.   i’ve been declared sexually repulsive to Women, and this time, i know that any further attempt to change this fact is futile.   This time, i know that this is the way i will remain for the rest of my life.   This time, i know that i will never again, for the rest of my life, have any sexual contact with a Woman.   So finally, i can fool myself no longer.   i remain with my Mistress Wife as Her friend; Her confident; a faithful servant.   i take care of all Her needs and desires that She asks me to.   Her wish is still my command.   But Her wish is no longer me.

Of course, we both are now well aware that it never really was.   We both know that i was a jerk-off from the start.   We both know that whatever transpired was only a passing phase – a brief trip to an exotic location.   But ultimately, the vacation comes to an end, and we return home.

Yet, a vacation can be a pleasurable diversion.   And when it’s over, there may be some regret.   But in the end, there’s a certain comfort in returning home – a certain sense of security and well-being in resuming the life you left behind.   And so i resume my life as a jerk-off.   Indeed, there’s a sense of comfort and well-being in doing so.   There’s a sense of rightness about it, that this is indeed, what i was meant to be.   So worshipping my Mistress Wife is no longer appropriate.   i’m now only permitted to admire Her from afar.   i’m a trusted friend She can completely rely upon.   But a jerk-off can’t be anything more.

So finally, i return home again.   Finally, i’m back to where i belong.   Then how can i say i’m now degraded?   If i’m only back to where i started, saying that would be definitely wrong.   All of this time, no matter how i was treated, no matter what i was made to do, i had the honor of worshipping a Woman, so i was really always ahead of the game.   But now i’m back to where i came from.   i’m again the jerk-off i was always meant to be.   But then i’m no more degraded than ever.   my degree of degradation can’t be less than from where it started.

So why are things now different?   Why is this not like before?   Because for the first time in my life, i embark on a new journey –down a path i’ve not traversed heretofore.   For the first time in my life, i’m about to be truly degraded.   For the first time in my life, i’m going to descend to a level i’ve never reached before.   So it’s true that i’m extremely apprehensive.   But at the same time, it’s more exciting than anything i’ve ever done!   All this time, i’ve claimed that i crave degradation.   But it’s now apparent that nothing i’ve done so far in my life has truly accomplished this.   Whatever i’ve done has only brought me back to where i started.  

But how do i know that where i started is not where it should all end?   How do i know that where i am is not where i belong?   It’s a very profound, though frightening question.   But i feel a calling that can’t be wrong.

All these years, i’ve struggled to climb the ladder, knowing that the top i would never reach.   i’ve come to realize that i loved the hand that restrained me – that made the trip down more wonderful than the ascent.   It made me realize that the ascent was never proper, but perhaps it was necessary to make me see.   i’m back to where i started, but i’ve been traveling in the wrong direction all along.   It was necessary for me to engage in the quest, because it gave me the momentum i need.   Descent is what i’ve been trained for, so finally, my destiny lies within my reach.   Ultimate degradation is where i must travel.   Only by pursuing it can i find what i must be.

Everything now fits together.   Everything finally makes perfect sense.   Just like one can’t appreciate a mountain from an elevation that is too high.   It’s peering up from the ground that inspires the awe that brings a tear to your eye.   And so it is with my Mistress.   The further i descend, the more magnificent She appears to be.   Yet i’ve never felt more attracted, even as i watch Her recede away from me.   i know i’ll never again touch Her, never again feel Her soft, sweet skin.   But there’s no regret, because i realize this is how it was meant to be.   my descent allows me a new perspective.   i now see Her as She was meant to be seen; more magnificent than i’ve ever seen Her, more desirable than She’s ever been.   That’s why my life is now so much sweeter.   There’s no more distraction that stops me from seeing, that even from this far distance, how lucky i am to be me.   i get to serve my Mistress, in the many ways She still permits.   i’m still able to express my admiration.   There’s nothing more that i really need.

(To be continued….)

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

So i have come to enjoy being a jerk-off more than i can ever adequately express.   Yet, my Mistress Wife declares that i am a fraud!   She says that in spite of what i believe, i have still not fully acknowledged exactly what i am.   She says that if i truly accepted the fact that i am a true jerk-off, i would understand that i am inferior to all other males, and would be anxious to acknowledge other males’ superiority over me.   She says that if i truly acknowledged that i was a jerk-off, i would realize that i could only validate my position within the spectrum of humanity by being eager to serve other, superior males.   Yet, i have still not been able to reveal what i am before another man.   So far, no other male has seen me as the jerk-off that i am.   i know that the husbands of many of my Mistress Wife’s Friends’ now know everything about me, but i have still not been able to bring myself to serve them.   None of them have yet been over to the house and seen me as i am.

my Mistress Wife explains that there is a spectrum of dominance and submission to society.   She explains that highest on this list are Dominant Females.   Next on this list are those males and Females who fall within the large overlap between submissive Females, and superior males.   Sometimes submissive Females are actually dominated by superior males, or by other Dominant Females.   Next down the list are submissive males who are submissive to Females, and below that are submissive males who are dominated by other superior males.   At the lowest end of the list are the jerk-offs – those who have reached such an extreme level of degradation that they have been expunged of all sexual motivation for their submission.   They lie at the lowest end of the spectrum of humanity, and serve out of their pure love of service.   All other humans are their superiors, and so they are eager to serve all others, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.   they represent the most extreme, pure, and true form of submission – that which all slaves should strive to eventually attain.

my Mistress Wife explains that this level is what She has worked so hard to train me for, and that which i claim to have achieved.   But if i truly have achieved it, i would be eager to fully reveal what i am to all other humans, male and Female alike, and be eager to serve them all.   Still, She does not condemn me for it.   She simply explains that it means my training is still not complete.   i simply need to seek further training to realize the attainment of my ultimate goal.   But this, She says, is now out of Her hands.   This, She says, must now come from me.   If i truly want to attain this, i must seek one who can properly train me, for it is something which She, as a Female, simply cannot do.   i must seek out a male Master who can train me to submit to him as my superior.   When i learn to acknowledge him as my superior – when i acknowledge my inferiority to him – when i learn to enjoy being of service to him – then my training will be complete.

i must learn to love serving him as he requires – to learn to serve him purely out of my love of service, confident that there is no sexual component to it.   i must learn to love serving him, to love having him know how much i love serving him – to have him know that i accept what i am and am proud of it, and am truly anxious to please him, because this is what i was meant to do.   i should be proud and anxious to always be naked before him, totally exposed, revealed, and available to him, both figuratively and physically, eager for him to have full knowledge of all of my being, and eager to be at his full disposal.

So if he asks me to clean his bathroom, i should be glad and proud to do it for him – anxious to acknowledge that it is a job unsuited to his superiority.   It should offend me to imagine him having to do it.   It should make me glad that i am there to do it for him, knowing that it is a task perfectly suited to my inferior status.   So it should bring me great satisfaction doing it for him, making me glad to be able to be of service to him, anxious to do the job well, eager to seek his approval.   Likewise, if he asks me to give him a pedicure, i should be honored to do it for him, honored to be able to participate in grooming him to occupy his superior status with dignity.   i should take pride in his appearance, for i have been bestowed the honor of helping maintain it.   i should seek every opportunity to help primp and pamper him, for it what i am there to do.

If he wants to show me off to his friends, male or Female, i should be glad to for him to do so.   i should be proud of who and what i am – proud of being at his service.   Let them make fun of me.   Let them humiliate me in whatever way they wish.   i should enjoy being their object of amusement.   i am their inferior, and i am there for their pleasure in all ways – by my service, or as an object of their amusement – anxious to serve in whatever capacity i can.   Their humiliation will affirm my pride in exactly what i am.

If i don’t perform up to expectations, i should eagerly seek to be reprimanded for it, anxious to accept my Master’s correction, anxious to learn to serve him better.   i should be eager to put my naked body at his complete disposal, glad to have him touch it, manipulate it, hurt it in any way that he wishes.   i should be glad that he has complete knowledge of my body, so similar to his – glad that he has full recognition of the exact discomfort he causes me.   i should be glad for him to see what i will bear for him – glad for him to know how anxious i am to please him.   i should be proud of the scars he leaves upon me – proud to bear the marks of his dominance over me.   i should be eager to be permitted to thank him for them, sincere in my gratitude.

my Mistress Wife, as a Superior Female, further explains that while i am sexually repulsive to Her, i am not necessarily sexually repulsive to a superior male.   i am not as many levels below another male, and males treat sex differently from Women.   So if he wishes for me to sexually service him, there can be no greater honor for me.   It would not really be sexual service, at least on my part, because there is no sexual attraction for me.   It would simply be pure service of the highest degree, with no limitation.   While sexual service may not have the intrinsic value of other means of service, it transmits a certain visceral message like nothing else can.   So if he seeks sexual service from me, i should regard it as a supreme honor – the most pronounced symbol i can offer of my acknowledgement of him as my superior.   i should be eager and proud to provide sexual service to him.

In fact, it so powerfully transmits my acknowledgement of his superiority over me, that i should be glad to beg him for the opportunity.   i should be glad to be naked and revealed before him, kneeling at his feet.   i should be proud to bow before him and kiss his feet, groveling before him, imploring him to allow me to service him as he wishes.   i should love to kneel behind him, and kiss his manly ass, the classic image of acknowledging his dominance over me.   i should love to lick his asshole, plunging my tongue deeply within, loving the odor and taste of it, savoring the opportunity to express my limitless desire to service him in any way that he demands.

And most of all, i should love sucking his cock.   Nothing can more viscerally express his dominance over me.   Naked, on my knees before him, i lovingly kiss his balls, the source of his manliness – his superiority over me.   Slowly, i take his superior cock in my mouth, enjoying the fullness of it, enjoying his pubic hairs brushing gently against my face.   i sucking hungrily upon his cock, craving the moment when his cum will shoot into my mouth – enjoying the pulsations of his superior cock releasing its burden within me – savoring the taste of it.

my Mistress Wife says that only when i come to crave the taste of cum in my mouth - to require it - to not be able to exist without it - will i know that i have attained the true level of degradation that will justify me calling myself a true jerk-off.   She points out that after i have sucked his cock, if i stood beside him, for all intents and purposes, as two males, we could be mistaken for equals.   But i will know that it is not true, for i will feel his cum swirling in my belly.   his cum will become part of me - of my very being - and it will be the indelible mark of what i am.   When i stand there smiling with contentment, proud of having his cum become part of me – proud of what i am, only then will i be able to call myself a true jerk-off.

So my Mistress Wife explains all this to me, and as She explains it to me, it sounds irresistibly desirable.   So i have been desperately trying to find the right male Master who will train me to realize my true self – who will train me to be the kind of jerk-off that i truly wish to be.   Eventually, i hope that i will have no problem submitting to every other human on earth, proud of the jerk-off that i am.

But now, it is still hard for me.   The concept of it sounds desirable, but the reality of it is something else.   When i try to put an actual face to a prospective master, imagining some arrogant, young jerk smirking disparagingly at me, i am unable to bring myself to want to submit to him.   i know that trying to submit to such a master would be mortifying for me – that it would destroy all the progress i have made in descending down the path of total degradation – totally destroy all the self-esteem i’ve accumulated over these many months.   It has to be a very special Master that i seek – one who fully understands where i have come from, what i am, and where i wish to be – one who will look forward to training me, gently guiding me to my ultimate goal.   Such a Master would not belittle me for what i am, but would help me to realize what i need to be, simply because that is the way things were meant to be.   Such a Master would understand that he is my superior simply because that is what he was meant to be, and i am a jerk-off simply because that is what i was meant to be.   He would gently guide me to assume my proper position as his inferior, teach me how to serve him as my superior, teach me how to realize what it is that i must be.

But it has been very hard attempting to find such a Master to train me.   Many who express interest are bi or gay, and are only seeking sexual gratification, and nothing more.   Many are actually partly submissive, and hope that my Mistress Wife will assume responsibility for their training, forcing them to have sex with me.   They do not understand that this is something my Mistress Wife wants to play no part in – that She says this must happen purely from my own initiative if i’m to learn anything from it.   Besides, She simply doesn’t want to be bothered with it.   She says that now, as a jerk-off, it is my responsibility to make sure She is no longer bothered with my maintenance in any way, whatsoever.

Then there are others who are otherwise promising, but are married, and conceal their extra-curricular activities from their wives, something neither my Mistress Wife nor i wish to become involved in.   And, of course, there is an overwhelming concern with how to insure safety, both in terms of drugs and disease, or in how they plan to train me.   So the search has been very difficult and frustrating.

One thing that my Mistress Wife has suggested is that i try to find a couple to train me.   She says that under the guidance of a Woman, it would help motivate me, and that having any extra party present would help keep things in control.   Another thing She has suggested is that i find a TV or TG to train me.   She says that while i can no longer have any sexual contact with a Woman, having to sexually service a “fake” Woman would reinforce exactly what my limits are, thus affirming what i am.

What the ultimate resolution will be is yet to be known.   Meanwhile, i am obsessed with the desire to realize my true self as a jerk-off in every sense of the word.   i truly crave having another man’s cum swirling in my belly, because i know how right that will be for me – the ultimate acknowledgement of what i am, and everything that i wish to be.   The longing for it is torturous, but what is the alternative?   All that i can do is continue the search.   Hopefully, one day, i will find what i am looking for.   i just hope it won’t take too long, because i know i cannot attain this in any other way, and the waiting is hell.   The only relief i get from my aching desire is when i jerk off.   When i jerk off, i know what it is that i am.   When i jerk off, i know that there is nothing else that i can do.   i have to be what i am, and what i am is a jerk-off.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

This is a long entry, because it has been many months since i?ve written.   But i haven?t written before because in many ways, nothing has really changed.   Yet, everything has completely changed.   In these many months, i?ve existed in a state of perpetual, unsatiated, raging lust, hungering for the touch of Female flesh, trembling with desire, often unable to think of anything else.   Yet, the knowledge that this is how i will exist for the rest of my life, fills me with such a deep satisfaction that there is no way to describe it.   More and more do i come to realize that i was born to be a jerk-off, incapable of sexually servicing a Woman in any way, whatsoever.   Indeed, my Mistress Wife has admitted that while She still loves and desires me as Her life partner, i have now become completely sexually repulsive to Her ? too repulsive for Her to imagine having any sexual contact with me ever again.   i am Her toy caretaker, Her servant, Her slave - but nothing more.   i am a jerk-off who was never meant to have sex with Women.

i know it must seem sick and perverted, but i can?t help but admit it.   Knowing that i have become sexually repulsive to my Mistress Wife actually fills me with a feeling of deep satisfaction.   Finally, there is no more pressure to maintain a ?macho? persona.   Finally, i realize, as well as She does, that this is not the role i was meant to fulfill.   i was meant to be a jerk-off who is at Her total service.   But as a jerk-off, playing any kind of sexual role in Her life is not something that could even be contemplated.   So now i am totally free to place all of my concentration into my service to Her.   Now i can be the slave i?ve always strived to be ? pure in my service to Her, free of any sexual innuendo.   So knowing that when my Mistress Wife now looks at me, all She sees is someone who is here to serve Her, brings me deep satisfaction.   Now, i know that when She looks at me, the only thought in Her mind is how She can more fully exploit me.   Now, i know i am being used in the way i was meant to be used.   Now, i know i am fulfilling my mission in life.   How happy and proud i am to be sexually repulsive to Her!   i have finally achieved everything i have strived so hard to attain!

So now my jerk-off sessions have taken on an almost religious aura.   As i jerk off, intensely watching myself in the mirror, i realize how right this is for me, that this is indeed what i am, and what i was always meant to be.   Every time i jerk off, it is a reaffirmation that i am fulfilling my inescapable destiny.   Every time i jerk off, i feel it increasing my degree of degradation, making me ever more sexually repulsive to my Mistress Wife, and indeed to all Women.   But jerking off just feels so right!   There is no other way to describe it.

i can?t describe how liberating it has been for me to be a jerk-off.   Yes, liberating!   That?s the only word that fits.   i remember all of the years of my life when i thought it necessary to maintain a macho persona, worrying what others will think of me if i let my true self be known.   Yet, i never really felt adequate in terms of being able to sexually satisfy a Woman.   Even though i actually got to date an amazing number of very attractive Women before i was married (well, at least an amazing number for me) i always experienced some ?performance anxiety?, even with my Mistress Wife.   Indeed, my anxiety was justified, because there were several instances where i proved inadequate.   i know that my failure to perform was at least partly due to my anxiety, but that doesn?t really make a difference.   Why was i so anxious?   Was it because, deep inside, i knew that this isn?t what i should be doing?   Was it that deep inside, i always knew that i was never meant to have sex with Women ? that i was only meant to serve Them?   It is undoubtedly so.

i know that i always felt much more comfortable performing orally.   But even there, i would always be anxious.   Was i being too rough?  Too gentle?   Was i hurting Them?   Was i pleasing Them?   i think in the back of my mind, i always had the image of myself as a teenager, the compulsive jerk-off, lusting after Women from afar, never being worthy of actually getting to touch Them.   Having sex with Women was the province of other, superior males who somehow had what it took.   So i always felt like i was cheating these Women, deceiving Them into thinking They were having sex with someone who was actually worthy of it.   But no matter how much anxiety i was experiencing, by serving Them orally, i could nevertheless persevere.   So i was always much more successful having oral sex with Women.   my preference to orally service Women undoubtedly lay the foundation for my journey down the path of degradation, into total slavery.

Yet, i always felt like i had other qualities that Women would find attractive ?my strength of character; my support; my loyalty; my devotion.   Ultimately, however, i found that i could best express these qualities through my submission to Women.   But by the standards of my generation, being submissive is totally paradoxical to what a macho male is supposed to be.   So the only qualities i had that were attractive to Women were those that made me specifically un-macho ? things that foreshadowed my realization that i was destined to be a jerk-off.   Only by being a jerk-off could i bring out of myself the best of what i could be.

In fact, my Mistress Wife claims that it is impossible for a male to really serve a Woman and have intercourse with Her.   She claims that no matter what context it is put in, there is always some amount of aggression and selfishness involved when a man has intercourse with a Woman.   Even if he is Her slave, and has intercourse with Her only by Her consent, what She is doing is giving Her consent to have him invade Her ? to have him express his dominance over Her, even if only for that brief moment.   As the dominant, he can?t be thinking of Her.   he is primarily thinking of his own selfish needs.   Even if he is not having intercourse with Her, but only serving Her orally, he is still, for that moment, satisfying his own selfish needs.   It is only by removing all possibility of the male deriving any sexual pleasure from his submission that he can fully service his Mistress.   Only by being a jerk-off is he unencumbered to serve Her with all of his being.

So it has been tremendously liberating for me to finally fully accept this.   No more airs.   No more anxiety.   i am what i am, and i accept it.   i am what i am, and i?m proud of it.   There is nothing about me that is macho.   i am sexually repulsive to Women.   But thus, am i free to serve Them with all of my being.   Thus, do i enjoy a satisfaction much deeper than the few seconds of orgasm that other, superior males take as their enjoyment.   i am a jerk-off every second of my life.   i am a slave to Women every second of my life.   my enjoyment of Women pervades every moment of my life - every ounce of my being.   What other male can say that?   How lucky i am to be a jerk-off!   How proud i am to be a jerk-off!

Acknowledging that i am a jerk-off has done such wonders for my self-esteem!   Deep inside, i always knew that this is what i was ? what i was meant to be.   But i was never before free to admit it.   i had to walk through life putting on airs, playing the part of the macho male.   But now, there is no more reason to hide it.   Now, i am no longer ashamed of it.   Now, i am proud of it.   Now, it enables me to be the best that i can be.   This is what i was meant for, and now i am free to live it.   Finally, i am liberated.   Finally, i am free.

i find that i am so acutely aware of being a jerk-off every moment of my life.   When i think about it, there are many reasons for it.   Most obviously, it has to do with the fact that my name has been changed to jerk-off.   So every time Someone addresses me, They remind me of exactly who and what i am.   But there are other reasons, too.   Still being a slave to my Mistress Wife, i still spend most of my life totally naked.   Going around totally naked would, under any circumstances, draw attention to my genitals.   As i scurry about performing my slave duties, my cock flopping about wildly, i sense Everyone?s eyes upon it.   But now, when i am summoned as ?jerk-off?, i feel Everyone present staring at my appendage, reflecting upon Their knowledge that my appendage remains unused - that my appendage is unfit for servicing ? that the only thing my cock is good for is to be stroked ? by me.   i feel Everyone present subconsciously visualizing me - naked, alone, hand on cock, jerking off, earning the title i have been awarded.   How i love being a jerk-off!   my cock often grows stiff before Them, a symbol of my pride in what i am.

Sometimes, my Mistress Wife will make me show off just how much of a jerk-off i am.   She will have me kneel on the floor, and have one of Her Female Friends get undressed, place Her Cunt just inches from my face, and masturbate in front of me.   i can smell the Womanly scent emanating from Her, see Her growing wetness slowly moistening Her soft, silky pubic hairs, watch Her trembling breasts vibrating with Her excitement, Her nipples growing ever more pronounced, sense Her taut thighs stiffening with Her growing orgasm, and finally watch Her explode in an eruption of ecstasy.   Through it all, my dripping cock is so hard and throbbing that it is ready to explode, while my body is physically aching with the desire to plunge my face into Her Womanly secrets.   Yet, i know that this is now as impossible for me as it would be for me to flap my arms and fly.   It is something that as much as i might wish it, as much as i might yearn for it, is so much of an impossibility, that its occurrence just does not exist.   So i continue to kneel there impassively, proud for Everyone to see.   i am a jerk-off.   i do not have sex with Women.   It is so wonderful being a jerk-off!

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

So i have been a true jerk-off in every way for over two years now.   But i’m happy to say that that has not been the end of my travels down the road of total degradation.

It was difficult not having sex with my Mistress Wife, and knowing that my cock will never be inside Her again.   It was even more difficult knowing that never again would even Her hand be on my cock to pleasure it.   But the deep satisfaction of knowing that i had come full circle to return to what i have always been destined to be, made up for it.   In addition, it rendered my oral service to Her a more profound experience whenever i was awarded the honor of servicing Her in this way.

But after my cock was prohibited from entering my Mistress Wife, She expressed Her desire for a replacement that could penetrate and satisfy Her.   i was frightened that She was about to inform me that i was to become a cuckold.   Instead, however, She said that She had no desire for any other disgusting male cock to enter Her, any more than She had a desire for my cock to do so.   What She did request was for me to buy Her a collection of sex toys.   So She began experimenting with a variety of toys, often requesting me to help Her with them, holding them this way or that, etc.

As time went on, it seemed that Her request for oral service gradually decreased, as well as Her requests for me to even assist Her with Her growing collection of toys.   More and more would She use the toys on Herself, while moaning and groaning, twitching and squirming, and squealing with delight.   She seemed to especially enjoy having me watch Her while She was lost in the throes of ecstasy, while i could do nothing more but sit there in extreme frustration.   i sometimes thought that it might have been better if She cuckolded me with some big black bull than for me to have been replaced so easily by Her collection of plastic, and rubber, and batteries.

Well about a year ago, my Mistress Wife informed me that my degradation had progressed so far that i was now no longer fit to have any sort of sexual contact with a Her, or indeed with any Woman.   She said i must now accept the fact that i will never have any sexual contact with a Woman for the rest of my life!

i have to admit that at the time, i couldn’t believe that this was happening – that She was actually asking this of me.   i couldn’t imagine a life of total sexual isolation from Women.   i couldn’t imagine having to bear such total sexual frustration for the rest of my life.   Astonishingly, my Mistress Wife was totally disappointed in my reaction.

“you call yourself a true jerk-off?” She asked.   “What true jerk-off has sexual contact with a Woman?”   i couldn’t help but see the wisdom in Her point of view.   If i was to be a true jerk-off, as i so eagerly aspired to, how could i have any sexual contact with a Woman?   i realized that it would be necessary for me to evermore suffer the frustration of being naked and degraded in front of Women, perpetually at Their service, but condemned to never again being worthy enough to have any sort of sexual contact with Them.

So for the past year, or so, i have given my Mistress Wife massages, manicures, pedicures, etc., but i have had no sexual contact with Her in any way.   Nevertheless, it was not easy for me to adjust to this, even after realizing the necessity for it, but it is something i have learned to accept.   As time has passed, i have come to revel in the frustration of it, deriving deep pleasure from the realization of how profoundly it affirms my status as a true jerk-off.   my love of Women is what makes me yearn so deeply for Them.   But being unsuited to have sex with Them, i put all of my frustration into serving Them in those ways i am suited for; namely, as a jerk-off sex slave.

Meanwhile, my Mistress Wife seems to derive deeper and deeper pleasure from Her ever-expanding collection of toys.   i still worry that eventually, She will seek other males to sexually satisfy Her.   Heaven knows, if She so desires, She certainly has an unlimited supply of admirers to choose from.   But She assures me that this will never happen.   She says She has transcended the need for any man, and that no other man has the ability to attract Her.   She assures me that i am still Her one and only husband, and that the fact that She has molded me into exactly what She wants me to be, makes my position more secure than it’s ever been.   She says no man has ever been able to satisfy Her the way that She can satisfy Herself with Her toys, and therefore, Her array of toys are all She will ever need.

However, the story is still not at an end.   In fact, the most dramatic part of it is yet to come.   A few months ago, my Mistress Wife informed me that my total subjugation was still not complete.   She once more discussed with me, as She had many times during our relationship, that my complete inability to submit to Her even in the mere presence of another man was extremely troublesome to Her, and completely contrary to my total subjugation.

Let me explain.   While i have openly served my Mistress Wife in front of myriads of Her Female friends, and have served Her Female friends as well, i could never even admit to another man that i had the slightest tendency to being submissive.   i just could not bring myself to drop my “macho” persona in front of another man, imagining the ridicule i would be subject to, even if it was only behind my back.   So i would implore my Mistress Wife to compel Her Female friends to a vow of silence concerning my submissive proclivities.   Of course, if She invited Them over, i realized that when They returned home, They undoubtedly must have revealed the intimate details of the bizarre evening They had experienced to Their husbands, in spite of the oath They had taken.   But at least i could imagine that no other man knew about my submissiveness.   Yet, if i ever met one of Their husbands by chance, i would die with embarrassment, realizing that they must know about me.   But whatever they might have known, it always remained unspoken, so at least i never had to confront their possible knowledge.

Anyhow, it was a constant point of contention between my Mistress Wife and me that i could never reveal my true status to another male, because it proved to be a great inconvenience to Her.   If She wanted to be able to have me provide my full range of services to Her guests, She could not invite any males over to the house.   Furthermore, when She did limit the attendance to Females friendly to the lifestyle, She was put in the awkward position of having to prevail upon Them to restrain from discussing anything that They had experienced.

But now, once again, my Mistress Wife made me see the folly of my logic.   “If you are a true jerk-off, then that is what you are!   you can’t be a jerk-off for Women, but then act like some ‘macho’ male in front of men.”   So what are you?   What is it that you are proud of being?   Are you a macho male, or are you a jerk-off?”

“i’m a jerk-off, Mistress,” i responded.

“Then you must be proud of it!” She declared.   But it didn’t end there.   “I know you realize that you have to show you’re proud of it,” my Mistress Wife continued, “but I don’t think that that will be good enough.   I’m sure if I invited some men over, and compelled you to serve them, you would force yourself to do so.   But I don’t think that would be sufficient to really change anything.   Maybe, if I kept doing it, you will eventually get used to it.   But i don’t think if that’s all I did, that you would ever really be resolved to it.”

“I don’t believe you’ll make any further progress toward total subjugation and degradation until you come to realize that your submission is not a matter of whom you submit to.   your submission is a product of whom and what you are.   It comes from inside of you, and you alone; not from anyone else.   If you truly want to make any further progress toward realizing your true self, what you need to do is to voluntarily submit to a man, in every way.   you must submit to him eagerly, and do it with pride.   you must submit to him, having no desire to hide what you are from him, proud of the jerk-off that you are!”

This was more of a shock than i had ever envisioned!   Not in my wildest dreams did i ever imagine that it would come to this.   And yet, what She said made a great deal of sense to me.   It made sense to me, but i still did not know how i would ever manage to do it.

i wondered how far She actually expected me to go.   Tentatively, i asked Her, “Just what do You mean by submit to him in every way, Mistress?   What if he wants me to have sex with him?   Am i supposed to have sex with him?   i thought i was forbidden to have any sort of sex, other than to jerk off.”

“you are a jerk-off, slave, and that will not change!   you are forbidden to cum in any other way than by jerking off.   So if he wants you to cum in some other way, that is a request you will have to refuse.   But with all of the training you’ve had these many years, it does seem a shame that all of the oral skills you have acquired should just go to waste.   So if he asks you to suck his cock, or lick his ass, why should you not do so?   you may no longer be fit to sexually service a Woman, but why should you not service a man?   Why should all of your oral skills go to waste?   So I think you should look forward to having him train you to be a cocksucker.

"I think you will derive a great deal of satisfaction from having a place to put your oral skills to good use.   I think you’ll learn to be very proud of being a cocksucker.   By being a cocksucker, you make it clear that your subjugation has no limits.   you make clear the extent of your degradation, that you are no longer fit to service Women.   So I think you’ll learn to be very proud of being a cocksucker.

“But realize that I don’t want you to feel that you’re being forced into this.   If that’s the case, then it’s meaningless.   It has always been part of your training that you must want to reach every new level of degradation.   So if you are ever to realize your true self, you must want to be a cocksucker.   you must want it so much, that you will gladly kneel down before a man and kiss his feet, begging him, imploring him, to allow you the honor of sucking his cock.   you must come to not feel complete unless you are on your knees, sucking a cock, enjoying the taste of cum, while you eagerly await the moment when your belly is filled with his hot seed.   Think of how satisfying it will be to know that you have another man’s cum swirling in your belly, and that you are proud of it.

“When this is how you feel, then you will know that you have found your true self.   Only then will you truly be proud to be a jerk-off, without reservation.   Only then will you realize your true submissiveness.   Only then will you realize that your submissiveness is a product of who you, and you alone are, and not anyone else.   When you realize all this, then your subjugation will be nearly complete.”

So this is how things now stand.   i have to say that over the course of the many weeks since my Mistress Wife revealed Her latest wishes to me, Her words of wisdom have come to make more and more sense.   And as hard as it is for me to admit this, i have actually come to be looking forward to this.   The deep feeling of satisfaction i will have, kneeling before a man in total submission, hungrily sucking on his cock, fully revealing my pride in being the jerk-off that i am, is something that i know i need to experience.   Yet, when i try to imagine the reality of the situation, having some arrogant male leering at me while i’m on my knees before him, having him think what a wimp i am, i find it hard to believe i can bring myself to do this.   But i know that ultimately, it is my destiny.   i know that ultimately, it is inevitable that it will come to pass.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

As described in the previous post, we continued to incorporate much variety into our sex life.   But one day, when my Mistress Wife declared that i had attained a sufficient state of degradation such that i was no longer fit to enter Her ever again, it was a major victory for our joint quest.   It was a giant step down my path of total degradation – an achievement that we both celebrated with joy.   i would still be there to make Her feel good, but now only on my hands and knees, as was proper for my degraded status.

She also discussed with me what was to be done concerning my needs.   my Mistress Wife stated that my needs were of no concern, and ideally, i should remain totally chaste for the rest of my life.   However, She realized that i had not yet reached that point of de-evolution.   In the past, She experimented with different frequencies of making me cum.   She found that if She would allow me to cum frequently, i would become somewhat ambivalent in my service to Her.   i somehow required a certain degree of sexual tension to keep me primed to be of maximum service to Her.   But if She allowed me to cum infrequently, i would be so consumed with sexual tension that i could not put all of my concentration into serving Her.   So She accepted this as an unavoidable characteristic of my current level of de-evolution.   She therefore continued to have me cum in whatever manner amused Her with a frequency of about once every three days.

But approximately two years ago, another landmark was reached in my descent to total degradation.   my Mistress Wife declared that it no longer amused Her to make me cum.   She had grown weary of bearing the responsibility for my orgasms.   Furthermore, She did not see why She should be required to expend Her energy on such a repugnant task.   She declared it improper, and stated that it was to occur no more.   She declared that from that point on, the only way i was ever again to cum was by my own hand!   She explicitly stated that, “This is the only way you will ever again cum for the rest of your life!”

In case the implication is not immediately obvious to the reader, i can tell you that it was immediately obvious to me.   After all of this time, i was once again rendered a jerk-off.   So as a teenager, all i did was jerk off.   i was a compulsive jerk-off, and i hated myself for it.   i used to long for the day when i would be married, because then i would never have to jerk off again.   Then i would be normal.   i would be free.   i would be like everyone else.   i would not be a jerk-off any more.

But now, here i am, married.   And what is the result?   i am married, and i am a jerk-off.   The only way i cum is by jerking off.   The only way i will ever again cum is by jerking off.   i am not like anyone else.   i will never be like anyone else.   i am a completely subjugated, totally degraded sex slave.   i am a jerk-off.   i will always be a jerk-off.   i will be a jerk-off for the rest of my life.

But the thing is that i am now so proud of being a jerk-off!   my Mistress Wife has made me realize that it has always been my destiny.   my early years as a jerk-off were no accident.   i was a nerd.   i was a dork.   i was different than everyone else.   i am short.   i was never meant to be physically attractive to Women.   i was never a prime, sexual specimen.   i was always quiet and shy, because i have always been submissive.   i was never meant to be “macho”.   i was never meant to be the typical aggressive male.   i was never meant to have intercourse with Women.   i was always meant to be of service to Women; to be submissive to Them; to be on my knees before Them; to worship Them.   That is what my role in life is.   That is what i was meant for.   i was always meant to be a jerk-off.

So now, once every three days, i jerk off according to my Mistress Wife’s specifications.   i affix clamps to selected parts of my body as the price for the pleasure i am permitted to give myself.   i then jerk off while closely observing myself in a full-length mirror, intently concentrating on what it is i’m doing, and what it is that i am, insuring that the realization of it sinks into my consciousness.   i do it while standing straight up, proudly.   When the deed is done, and the evidence of what i have done is lying on the floor, i consume my cum, returning it to the vessel from which it originated, somehow bringing a very fulfilling sense of closure to the process.   Only when every last drop has been consumed am i allowed to remove the clamps from my body.   i film the whole process each time so that the tapes can be randomly reviewed by my Mistress as verification of my having followed prescribed procedure.

i can’t tell you how much i love to watch myself standing there, jerking off.   It just looks so right; feels so proper.   my cock falls so easily to hand; an old, familiar friend; a friend that will see me into the future.   And each time my friend and i renew our relationship, i know that this is the way it was meant to be.   Having now found my place in the world, i can look my reflection in the eye and take pride in realizing my destiny.   And after the deed is done, i look at the floor splattered with my cum, and a feeling of deep fulfillment penetrates me.   my cum lies there as evidence that i am what i proclaim to be.   i anxiously anticipate the pleasure that yet awaits me.   i kneel down upon the floor and begin licking up my cum.   i love to roll the slippery, sticky rivulets against the roof of my mouth with my tongue, savoring each delicious drop.   i feel a deep, peaceful contentment knowing that my cum has performed its function, and made its way back to where it belongs.   Its flavor remains in my mouth; a reminder of what has transpired; a reminder of what i have done.   my cum is once again a part of me, but now in a way that identifies what i am.

So i recall how much i loathed myself as a teenager.   At that age, while we all knew that most of us weren’t having any sex, we nevertheless had to maintain the image that we were having intercourse with Women, or at least that we could any time we wanted to.   Otherwise, we might be tagged as the worst thing that one could ever be called - a jerk-off!   A jerk-off was a pathetic creature whose sex life took place in solitude; whose only lover was his own hand.   He was not capable of ever attracting a Woman - any Woman - and would be condemned to be alone, jerking off, all of his life.

Now i am married, and i cum by myself, all alone, just like a true jerk-off!   The only way i cum – the only way i will ever again cum – is by my own hand, just like a true jerk-off!   As a degraded sex slave, i am no longer fit to have intercourse with a Woman.   From this point forth, i will never have intercourse with a Woman, just like a true jerk-off!   So in every sense of the word, i am a true jerk-off!   i am a jerk-off, and i am so proud of it!   i have found myself.   i know what i am.   i know what i was meant to be, and i have fulfilled my destiny.   i was meant to serve Women, and that is what i am doing.   i was meant to worship Women, and that is what i do.   That is all a jerk-off can do.   That is what a jerk-off must do.

i started out a jerk-off because i was always meant to be a jerk-off.   For a while, i lived under an illusion.   For a while, i had intercourse with Women, including my Mistress Wife.   my only regret is that these acts of defilement ever took place.   It was a betrayal of what i was meant to be.   i often think that if i could take it back, i would have remained a virgin all of my life, undefiled, true to myself, true to what i was meant to be.   But maybe we all need to be defiled at some time in our life.   Maybe we can’t appreciate our purity if we have never been defiled.   It’s doubtful i would have ended up married to my Mistress Wife if had never been defiled.   i guess life just works in funny ways.   But there’s more to it than that.   If i never had intercourse with a Woman, would i really be able to accept the way that i am?   Would i be able to see how lucky i am to be what i had to be?   Without doing what others have done, would i know that what i am is better?   Others get to have pleasure by having intercourse with a Woman.   i get to have pleasure – so what if it’s by my own hand?   In the end, what does that mean?   What does it prove?   But for all the rest of the time, i get to have the pleasure of serving a Woman; of worshipping Her.   i get to live that every second of the day, every day of my life.   i truly feel that i live in a state of ecstasy every second of my life.   i am indeed truly lucky.   That is how i feel.

So now, my Mistress Wife most often addresses me as jerk-off.   That is now effectively my name.   i can’t tell you how much of a thrill it gives me when She calls me that.   It’s a further affirmation of what i am.   And when visitors come to the house, She introduces me by saying, “This is My sex slave.   he answers to the name of jerk-off.”   It fully confirms to others what i am.   But what gives me the biggest thrill is when Others refer to me in the third person as the jerk-off.   For instance, if i am in the other room and i overhear Someone wishing for me to get something for Them, and They ask, “Where did the jerk-off go?”   Or if Someone needs something and asks my Mistress Wife where They can get it from, and my Mistress Wife responds, “Just ask the jerk-off to get it for you.”   Then it is not just a name assigned to me; it is a description of what i am; a title i have earned.   That is when i know what i truly am.   That is when i am most proud.

i was always meant to be a jerk-off.   i started out as a jerk-off.   i am a jerk-off.   i will always be a jerk-off.   i will be a jerk-off for the rest of my life.   How lucky i am.   How proud i am.   How i love being a jerk-off.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

So marriage was to be my savior.   It was only by getting married that i might finally be able to escape this trap i was in where i had no choice but to be a jerk-off.   But once i got married i would never have to jerk off again.

Well, in spite of my parents’ preference, i actually started dating before i graduated from grad school.   During those times when i was dating Somebody, i would try to abstain from jerking off, because i didn’t want the destructive feelings that resulted form jerking off to affect whatever relationship i was in.   If i was in a sexually active relationship, it didn’t take too much effort to abstain.   Of course, i never had as much sex with a Girlfriend as i had with myself when i was jerking off, but i would get enough to not have to indulge in my former bad habits.   But when i was between Girlfriends, no matter how much resolve i had to continue to abstain from my former ways, i would inevitable relapse to my former status as a jerk-off.

i was 23 years old when i finally lost my virginity.   i have to say how sweet it was to finally know what it was like to actually be with a Woman.   For me, it was undoubtedly much sweeter than most.   Not only was it so intoxicating to finally feel the soft flesh of a Woman in my arms, to smell Her scents, to taste the sweetness of Her mouth, but how good it made me feel about myself was something that i had lost all hope would ever occur.   Finally, i was free!   Finally, i didn’t have to loathe myself any more.   Finally, i knew that i could be as normal as anybody else.   Finally, i didn’t have to be a jerk-off anymore.   Finally, i was able to be a man.

Naturally, i never told any of my Girlfriends about my days as a jerk-off, nor did i ever mention any of my submissive inclinations.   i would sometimes perform very subtly submissive acts with my Girlfriends, but without ever letting on that i was getting off on it because i was taking it as an act of submission.   For instance, i would rub my Girlfriends’ feet, and eventually work up to kissing them, but i did it all as just a generally sensuous act.   i would often paint my Girlfriends’ toenails, but again as a sensuous “Lolita”-style act, rather than an overt act of submission.

i also found that it was often easy to get my Girlfriends to perform acts of submission to me.   Once again, however, i was able to persuade Them to do these things by framing them as acts of sensuality, rather than specifically labeling them as acts of submission.   For instance, i would get some of my Girlfriends to serve me dinner while They were naked, or i would get Them to give me a blow-job.   i even would playfully slap their naked bottom, never to a point where it would qualify as a spanking, but pat them hard enough to bring a blush to their cheeks.   i found that i actually enjoyed domming Them in this subtle way.   i really do believe that domming Them like this appealed to me on some level.   After all, how could one not enjoy having a beautiful, sensuous Creature under their control, to do whatever they wished?   i always suspected that i could pull off being a switch, and that i would enjoy it.   But i also believe that the main reason i enjoyed these domming experiences so much was because i would be able to vicariously experience Their submission.   i guess in some sense, i enjoyed it because i was domming myself.

When i met my Wife to be, we actually started out as very vanilla.   i was not able to admit my submissive tendencies even to my prospective Wife.   It wasn’t too long into our relationship, however, that She actually revealed to me that She had strong submissive desires.   So i was thrown into the role of being explicitly dominant, and i did it, and i enjoyed it.   Boy, did i ever enjoy it!   However, i once again suspect that the reason i enjoyed it so much was because deep down inside, i was able to vicariously experience Her acts of submission, just as i had done with my former Girlfriends.   As it turns out, my domination of my Mistress Wife lasted more than a year beyond our wedding day.   We actually got to the point of signing contracts of slavery, and indulging in many of the other usual rituals and traditions.   However, it all started out as a very sensuous type of submission.   i tried to gradually move our relationship toward more explicit acts of submission, but my Wife often resisted.

It soon became obvious that my Wife liked the fantasy of submission much more than the reality of it.   While i was trying to move our d/S relationship forward, She seemed to be trying to retreat.   Amazingly, She eventually even began to express desires of wanting to try Dominating me.   However, i still could never bring myself to admit having any submissive tendencies, even to Her, and refused to even try whatever She proposed.   How could i possibly admit to my Wife that i harbored such non-masculine desires?

Eventually, our relationship drifted back into vanilla, although our sexual experimentation remained quite adventurous.   i no longer recollect how the suggestion arose, nor in what context it was presented, but one day my Wife suggested we experiment with enemas.   If i remember correctly, we debated for a while as to who would be the administrator, and who would be the recipient.   She actually seemed very anxious for me to be the recipient.   It was clear that She did not view this as an act of Domination or submission, but once again only as a highly sensual act.   So i ended up agreeing, and we spent an afternoon shopping for the proper equipment.

We went home and both got naked.   i knelt down on the bathroom floor as my Wife slid the nozzle into my asshole.   She stood over me and filled me up as i squatted below Her, my ass gladly accepting Her offering.   When She determined that i had had enough, She removed the tube and said i should hold it in as long as possible, and then let go.   She watched as i squirted shit everywhere, often missing the basin that was supposed to contain it.   She laughed and squealed with delight while enjoying the spectacle, especially while watching me cleaning up my own mess, thoroughly enjoying my embarrassment.   It obviously turned into an act of Domination, something we both eventually became aware of, though it remained unspoken.   It wasn’t more than one day after that experience, however, while continuing to discuss it, that i admitted to Her my life-long desire for submission.

From there, our relationship rapidly spiraled down the path of my total subjugation.   It became obvious that my now Mistress Wife reveled in Her new role, as i did in mine.   She naturally excelled in finding new ways to degrade and humiliate me, just what i so needed and desired.   As time went on, every day Her sense of direction grew stronger in leading me down the path of total degradation.   She devised new theories and methods for how to train me, to lead me wherever She wanted.   She invented a process of de-evolution, meant to regress me to a state where She could remold me into whatever She wanted me to be.

She has never given me an order.   She has made me a partner in Her quest to totally subjugate me.   Whatever i submit to is by my own wish and desire.   i am anxious to go where She leads me, anxious to become what She wants for me.   She subjugates me and humiliates me and degrades me, and i bear my status proudly.   i am Her husband and Her sex slave and Her worshipper; She is my Wife and my Mistress and my teacher.   She teaches me what it is that i can be, and i work vigorously to attain it for Her.

From my de-evolved position, She has made me see what i really am.   She has made me see that i was made to serve Her.   i was not made to lead, or to command or to direct, but only to serve.   It is what i was made for, and denying it will not change a thing.   So why bother denying it?   Why bother trying to hide it?   Instead, i can be true to myself and acknowledge what i am, and take pride in it.   Furthermore, i can seek to enhance what She has made me by eagerly continuing to follow the path of descent She has set for me.   Only by further degradation can i be rendered more perfect, freed of everything but my submission.   All ego and dignity must be nullified; only my submission to be left for me to be proud of.   So i take pride in my degradation; it reveals what my very sole confirms that i am.

That is a very short summary of how i became my Mistress Wife’s sex slave, and as Her sex slave, my Mistress Wife would often have me sexually service Her.   We would have conventional intercourse often, but She would also have me service Her in other ways, most often orally.   For Her amusement, She would also make me cum in a variety of other ways.   It was very early in our relationship when She declared, however, that if She was giving me pleasure when i was not giving Her pleasure, it was only proper that i pay a price for it.   She determined that the only suitable price to pay was for me to simultaneously experience a commensurate amount of pain for the pleasure She was giving me.   So She devised all kinds of tools and implements that She used for making me cum in whatever manner amused Her.   (In some later posting, i will describe these things in more detail.)

She also declared that if we were having intercourse, and my seed was being used to give Her pleasure, then it was suitable that it should be deposited inside of Her, because it automatically acquired the grace of Her superiority.   But if She was making me cum in some other manner, and my expelled seed was lying there as a repugnant symbol of the salacious needs of a degraded sex slave, then the only suitable receptacle for it was inside a degraded sex slave.   So another precept of my being allowed to cum was that whenever my seed was not deposited into my Mistress Wife, it was required that i consume every last drop of that which was expelled from me.

It seemed that marriage was not working out for me the way i anticipated it would as a teenager.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

i want to backtrack again to my early teenage years as a jerk-off in high school.   Marriage lay so far in the future that it was not even worth thinking about.   At that time, due to my family’s moral code, dating was not even a possibility for me.   So i was condemned to being a jerk-off.   i was also consumed by these masochistic desires that filled me with even greater guilt.   But it wasn’t just that.   In school i had my circle of friends, and they weren’t all nerds.   i even got into my share of trouble from time to time.   But my friends weren’t exactly part of the upscale in-crowd, either.   And i was short.   i was quiet.   i was clean-cut.   i was studious, especially in science and math.   i liked classical music.   i played the piano.   i didn’t like sports.   i wore a pocket protector.   i never dated.   i never went to a sporting event, or a dance, or a prom.   i was a nerd.

It was also during these years of early pubescence that my peers made the transition from baby-talk invectives to a mature vocabulary of swear words.   You were no longer stupid, or dumb, or a jerk; you were a bitch, or a bastard, or a mother-fucker.   But of all the horrible, despicable things you could be called, nothing was worse than to be called a jerk-off!   There was absolutely nothing that was worse than to be a jerk-off.   By the time i entered college, i was astounded to find that most of my fellow male collegians openly admitted to jerking off.   Some even rhapsodized over the raptures of jerking off.   However, in my upscale, in-crowd high school, no one ever - not ever – admitted to jerking off.

To be a jerk-off implied that you were a loser – a loser, a nerd, a geek, a dweeb, a wimp, a degenerate.   To be a jerk-off implied that the reason you were jerking off was because you were unable to get a date.   But it implied more than that.   To be a jerk-off implied that you were such a nerd, such a geek, such a wimp, that there was no way you would ever be able to attract a Girlfriend.   Once a jerk-off, always a jerk-off.   To be a jerk-off was the worst thing you could be in the world.

But here i was, a short, shy, quiet boy who didn’t dance, didn’t play sports, had a straight A average, and played the piano.   Here i was, a guy who was often picked on by the “cool” guys from the upscale in-crowd.   Here i was, a guy who had never been on a date, and didn’t have the remotest chance of getting one.   Here i was, a guy who went home and jerked off seven or more times a day.   Here i was, a guy who went home and whipped himself, and tried to hang himself by his cock.   i got picked on a lot, and i got called a jerk-off a lot.   i developed a sharp, sarcastic wit to fend off such attacks.   But every time i was called a jerk-off, it hurt deeply.   It hurt deeply because i was a jerk-off.   i was a jerk-off, and i hated myself for it; loathed myself for it.   i was a jerk-off, and there was no denying it.   i was a jerk-off because i was a nerd, i was a geek, i was a degenerate.   i was a jerk-off because there was no way i could get a date.   i was a jerk-off because there was no way i could get a date, and no way i would ever get date, at least not within my immediate high school future.

So i never was able to admit that i was a jerk-off.   i never admitted it to anyone; not when i was in high school, not when i was in college; not after college; not to my acquaintances, and not to my closest friends.   i could never bring myself to admit that i was a jerk-off – not to anyone!   I could never bring myself to admit that i was a jerk-off precisely because i really was a jerk-off.   i hated myself.   i loathed myself.   i disgusted myself.   i despised myself.   But yet, i couldn’t stop.   But yet, i continued to jerk off.   i continued to jerk off because there was nothing else i could do.   i continued to jerk off because i was a jerk-off.   i was a jerk-off, and i could never admit it to anyone.

My only respite would be to get married.   Once i got married, i would have access to sex.   Once i got married, i would be able to have sex the normal way, like everyone else.   i would be able to have sex like everyone else, and i wouldn’t have to jerk off any more.   Once i got married, i would no longer be a jerk-off.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

i skipped a few grades in school, so i was not yet fifteen when i entered college, and only eighteen when i graduated.   But most of my friends had an active sex life by then.   i was not only still a virgin, but had never even been on a date.   Skipping grades in school did nothing for my socialization because everyone i associated with was always older than me, and my being so short only accentuated the difference.   Everybody kept saying that any day i would have a growth spurt and be as tall as everyone else, but that never happened.   Still, most of my peers had some kind of a social life.   But because of my family’s old-world heritage, dating was something that was not even a consideration.   Their attitude was that i should finish my schooling (meaning graduate school), and once i’m settled with a good job, i then look for a wife.   It was considered highly immoral for me to move out of my parents’ home because in their eyes, the only reason i would want to move out is to “fool around”.   So if i moved out before i was married i would be “marked”, and no decent Woman would have me.   So my fate was predetermined by this moral code.   i attended local colleges where i could live at home, right through graduate school.   And it was understood that dating was something i could never do even into my twenties.

So i continued my sexual experimentation right through all of high school and into college.   What other choice did i have?   Once i entered college i actually did gain a lot more freedom.   i had greater access to all kinds of information, and to pornography, so it led to an increase in creativity.   BDSM was increasingly incorporated into my experimentation.   i remember tying myself up.   i remember whipping and beating myself with all sorts of implements.   i remember using all kinds of clamps on all parts of my body.   i remember trying to suspend myself by my cock a few times.   i remember tying up my balls in all kinds of ways.   I remember a period of time when i became obsessed with the idea of reaching orgasm solely by manipulating my nipples.   i would rub them and rub them until they were completely raw, but i never managed to actually attain orgasm that way.

But more than anything, the one thing that i invariably continued to do was to jerk off.   i would come home from school, take off all of my clothes, lie down on my bed and jerk off several times in a row.   Then i would go have dinner.   It quickly became routine for me to jerk off three times in a row.   Often, i would jerk off a few more times before the day was over, at various times, and in various places.   But my orgasmic needs kept increasing and increasing.   i rapidly worked up to jerking off five times in a row, plus more.   And before long, i was routinely jerking off a minimum of seven times in a row, and that was just before dinner.   So i was a compulsive jerk-off with no hope of ever being with a Girl until i was to be married.

Because i was so indoctrinated with the moral code of my parents, i had terrible feelings of guilt whenever i jerked off.   It had a devastating effect on my self-esteem.   There were times when i tried to abstain from jerking off, and it made me feel much better about myself.   But i was never able to hold out for very long.   Inevitably, i would fall back to my old habits.   After grad school when i did begin to date, there were times when i was able to abstain.   But when i was between Girlfriends i would try to continue to abstain from jerking off, but never managed to for very long.   i remained a jerk-off.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)

i want to start off by informing the reader of a convention i have adopted throughout this log.   i often talk about Dominance and slavery in general terms, and am not necessarily speaking of some specific individual.   Therefore, gender is often left as a question.   Rather than always having to write “She or he” or something equally awkward, i have decided to bypass political correctness.   Seeing that i am a male slave, and my Mistress is a Female, i have decided to adopt the convention of always using the Feminine when speaking of a Dominant, and the masculine when speaking of a submissive, or an individual of unspecified orientation.   So be aware that regardless of what i am speaking of at the moment, i am not necessarily implying that it be gender-specific.   i simply adopt this gender convention for the sake of convenience.

Anyhow, let me get back to the discussion i embarked upon in my previous post.   The reader learned that i discovered masturbation purely by accident, not even realizing what i was dong or what was happening at the time.   But once i discovered it, it became a constant part of my life.   In fact, as time went on, i started masturbating more and more.   In the beginning, it was a purely physical act.   i had no notion of what romance or lust was, or anything like that.   i masturbated purely to relieve the physical tension that i was experiencing.

i no longer remember the exact moment when i started to associate masturbation with lusting after Women.   The only thing that i do remember is when i first fell in love.   It was also when i was twelve years old, so it had to be within a year of when i started to masturbate.   i don’t remember the exact moment; where i was, or what i was doing.   i may well have been masturbating.   i only remember that the image of the face of this Girl in my algebra class floated into my mind.   She was part of the in-crowd of the upscale community i grew up in, and thus totally inaccessible to me.   She hardly knew i was alive.   But as Her image floated into my mind, i suddenly had an epiphany.   i may well have even verbalized it out loud.   “my God, i’m in love!” i declared.

once i associated masturbation with lusting after the Female sex, my fantasy life became very active.   However, i was still so naive as to what sex was all about that my early fantasies had nothing to do with intercourse.   At this time, i may well have still been confused as to if what i was ejaculating during masturbation was urine, and if what one did during intercourse was to urinate in the Female.   So in my earliest fantasies, i imagined this Girl from my algebra class urinating on me.   i soon began to act out my fantasies as best as i could.   i would lie in the bathtub and urinate all over myself, imagining it was Her urinating on me.

i once read somewhere, long ago, that people who develop sadomasochistic tendencies may have suffered from confusion between sex and bathroom processes in their early puberty.   i think i may be proof that there is truth to this theory, as you will see further.   After my urination fantasies concerning the Girl in my algebra class, my lust turned towards others.   The next fantasies i remember were about a Girl in my Homeroom.   She was not especially good-looking, but She had a very vivacious personality.   Unlike the Girl in my algebra class, this Girl sat right next to me in homeroom, and was a good friend.   i used to help Her with Her math homework.   But my fantasies about Her concerned us both sitting together in the bathtub, naked.   We each took a shit, and then we would playfully hurl bits of our shit toward each other.   Sort of a colorful snowball fight.   Soon we were covered with each other’s shit.

Just as i tried to act out my urination fantasies, i attempted to act out this fantasy, too.   The first thing i tried was to lie on my stomach on the floor of the bathroom with a piece of newspaper under my pelvic area.   i would take a shit, just letting my shit spill out onto my ass, and between my legs.   i remember it feeling quite wonderful, feeling my warm shit spilling out over my ass.   Soon, i started shitting in the bathtub, and would take my shit and smear it all over my body.   Several times, i even tried to entirely cover my whole body in shit, hoping i could make myself look dark-skinned.   It somehow seemed exciting to think i would be rendered dark-skinned by means of being covered with shit.   i was disappointed to find that shit didn’t smear that well, and it was not really possibly to accomplish that goal.   In any case, all of this left me with a life-long obsession with bathroom activities.

i think my fantasies may have taken a more specifically sadomasochistic turn when i discovered the book, Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon.   i was still in my very early teenage years, and never really read the whole book.   i just skimmed through it looking for the “good parts”.   So even though this book was a great classic, i can’t really tell you what the book was about.   However, there was a dictator-like character in the book that i’m sure was modeled after Adolf Hitler.   (Hitler was also known to have an interest in scatology and sadomasochism, and had a BDSM relationship with his Mistress, Eva Braun.)   In the book, this dictator character would visit his Mistress, Who was also a tall, statuesque blond.   She was wearing nothing except a long, black cape.   She ordered Her dictator friend to kneel behind Her and lift Her cape.   Kneeling there, he would consume what She expelled from Her body.   Afterwards, She beat him with a cat-o’-nine tails.   To this day, my favorite implement to be beaten with is a cat-‘o-nine tails.   i no longer specifically remember, but it seems quite likely that this book is also what gave me the courage to first try tasting, and later eating my own shit.

In all of my masturbatory experimenting, there is one other significant event i can recall.   This was also from the time i was very young, and i’m pretty sure still totally unaware that oral sex even existed.   Nevertheless, one thing i developed an obsession with was to be able to suck my own cock.   i would try to bend over and suck it, but it was just too far away.   Still, i often tried to do it, and found that if i stayed in that position long enough and relaxed, i could get a lot closer.   But still no cigar.

Eventually, i discovered that if i lay on my back and flipped my legs over my head, i could actually get my mouth a lot closer to my cock this way.   If i stuck my tongue out all the way, i could almost lick it.   Again, i found that if i stayed in this new position a long enough time and relaxed, i could get much closer.   But still, even though i seemed to be able to get closer and closer every day, it always remained just out of reach.   But one day i finally managed to actually get the tip of my cock in my mouth.   It just felt so amazingly delicious and sexy to have my own cock in my mouth that i couldn’t believe it.   It actually took a few moments for it to sink in that it was really my cock i was feeling in my mouth.   i couldn’t believe that i had finally accomplished this seemingly unattainable task.   i have to tell you that i often had terrible feelings of guilt about my masturbatory practices, so usually any thoughts of God were furthest from my mind when i was sexually experimenting.   But that day when i felt my cock in my mouth, i actually thanked God for allowing me to be able to experience this.   That day, i was actually able to suck myself off and swallow my own cum.

Sucking my own cock took a lot of energy because it was extremely strenuous to maintain that position, so it was an activity i didn’t regularly engage in.   However, with continuous practice i eventually even learned to deep throat my own cock.   (Of course, this wasn't such a great feat, because there's not all that much there.)   But every once in a while, this was something that i would also do.

the jerk-off (jerkk_off@yahoo.com)